“Be Who You Are And Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter And Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

That was Dr. Seuss.
What a whirlwind of a month. March is a month to remember forever. Just the last week was the cherry on top of my ice cream.  I haven't been able to brief my blog on my trip to South Beach FL, my experience in Ultra Music Fest and my adventures through the city of Miami. I'm going to spend another post on these three because I have to make justice to my trip, and someone has got to write our tale.
The most important thing that happened to me last month was getting my Deferred Action application approved. After almost six months of silent suffering and anxious trips to the mailbox, my case was finally approved on March 22. I found out when I called USCIS to complain about the length of time i had been waiting for this approval  (given that some of my friends had already been approved and they had sent their applications way after me). The operator listened and then replied
 "Well according to my records your application was approved March 22"
 "March 22? Isn't that today" So I turned to the phone and said "you mean today!! wooooow"
"yeah, congratulations"
I was on a bus, on my way to work, as this was happening. Doing the most mundane act in the world, just sitting on a bus. But I was the happiest girl in the world sitting on a random bus on my way to work. The need to cry was so immediate that I had to let them run down my cheeks, I was happy crier. When the manager found out I had been approved he said "I can't believe someone would be so happy to pay taxes" . After that comment I  reflected on what had happened to me that day and all these years. All I kept thinking was "it's so much more than that!!!" but at the same time I was getting mad at myself because, finally, a new world of opportunities were going to open up for me . Opportunities that had been denied to me before because I lacked a nine-digit number. And now that I had the number, I was letting this number define me and that bothered me just a little.

The first time I came out, I did it because I was tired and angry of constantly being defined by my lack of these numbers. All my hard work, all my grades, my community service, my experience and my expertise on certain subjects meant nothing to this country because I lacked a SS number. I felt hurt, and like most undocumented folks I know, I felt like an outsider , like a new kid in school who will never be accepted by anyone. So there was nothing I could do about my situation except perhaps marry a citizen, but I don't want to get married, not for love or papers.
So I thought "I'm going to stop trying to fit in with this crowd and I'm going to find myself people like me" And I looked up Immigration Activists, and then Undocumented Activists and I read their blogs and their websites until somehow I came upon the YLC in NYC, an organization founded and led by Undocumented Youth. These were in my books, Real Activists, because they would go on the streets to fiercely advocate for the Dream Act, hunger strike for weeks in front of a legislator's office, and organize  and train young people in the most efficient  and radical ways. They would tell their stories online, on the streets, over the phone, during training meetings. It was this enticing liberation pouring out of every single one of them that pushed me to tell my own story and break my own chains.
The chains of fake assimilation, of peer pressure, and social hipocrisy. The chains telling me I was one of them but at the same time I wasn't.  I was different and I had to embrace it like them, not hide it like I was shameful for it like everyone else I knew in my life in the same situation.
They wanted a change and they acted. I needed a change and I found it. After that, telling my story, whether its a particular person or a crowd, has been a little scary but mostly EMPOWERING. I did need a number to work in certain places but I didn't need a number to be the woman I am today so if this country didn't want to give me a chance, some other will because I was talented and I worked hard and someone will eventually see that. Hey, if you don't start believing in yourself, no one will. SELF WORTH ladies and gentlemen. I said I won't let anyone put me down, or compare me with others, or tell me I can't be someone, or make me feel like being different is wrong.

Anyway, swimming against the current can be a learning experience but it's also exhausting. I take pride in being different, but I also want to feel like I belong somewhere because eventually I have to use the degree I have been working for, and follow the goals I set for myself.  And now, having this Work permit in my hands, and subsequently my SS, is going to give me some of that sense of belonging and self-assurance, that's the part that makes me happy. And this number is also going to show me that I will still be myself, with or without it. I wasn't letting this number define me because I had already defined myself. I think I know what I  want in life and how I may achieve that even if I'm not even close to halfway there. I didn't need "it" with me in this rocky road I've travelled so far.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.” - Dr. Seuss